No one ever said it was going to be easy, and not for a second did I think it would be. When I first saw that positive line my initial thoughts were so conflicting, I was so overwhelmed with emotion and joy of expecting again. But at the same time I couldn’t digest that I was pregnant only 6 months after having a baby. My baby was still a baby, and in 9 months and I’d have another.
Oh my god. What have we done? It took a while for my head to get round the idea, the mum guilt was real.
What if I couldn’t give Cassius the attention he needs? What if I can’t love my new baby the way I loved my first? How will I attend all the baby classes I did with Cassius? How do you even get through the day with 2 babies with different routines when your partner works away a lot?
With a lot of reassurance and talking it through, these thoughts seemed to drift away and it became a really exciting time, even more so knowing our babies will grow together and enjoy each other’s company.
And then just like that, any positive pregnancy thoughts were replaced by those dreaded first trimester symptoms.
I can honestly say it was the hardest 14 weeks of my life. The morning sickness and early pregnancy tiredness combined with a 1 year old who is into everything and now crawling felt like it was never ending. Not to mention the fact his first tooth decided to make an appearance and disrupt his sleep during this time.
When I look back I’m not even sure how I got through because at the time I remember days crying to my partner telling him I could no longer do it. My hormones were everywhere, I was so exhausted and everything felt 10x harder.
The mum guilt had returned, mainly because I didn’t have the strength to take Cassius to his weekly swimming lessons. I felt frustrated at him for throwing tantrums when he was just being a baby, and his baby sensory classes were also being missed. I felt like the worse mum ever!
I had done everything i possibly could to be the ‘perfect’ mum, and I felt like I was losing it. I felt almost incapable of simple tasks, drained, and I couldn’t tell anyone why I had suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth. There didn’t seem to be an end in sight.
Then the second trimester came! And just like that I felt like a new woman. I’d never experienced that ‘burst of energy’ women get in the 2nd trimester before and for the first time I felt like I had loads energy. I no longer had sickness or nausea. I could run around after Cassius, attend all the baby classes I’d felt so guilty about not going to, even attend a million first birthdays we had that month.
Socialisation being something I had dreaded a month before. I could even tell people with joy and a sense of pride that we were expecting again. But with that came all ‘was it planned’, ‘oh what will the age gap be?’ I felt judged, and started to feel anxious over being asked these kind of questions, almost like I should justify my 2nd pregnancy.
By this point I was sick of talking about babies. I felt like I’d been pregnant forever and my life was literally just babies. And that’s all anyone ever wants to talk about. And even though we felt so positive and excited about our amazing news, I could feel other people’s opinions circulating and it made me so badly want to prove that I could do it. I wanted to tell the world about our amazing news.
The second trimester for me was actually great, however the third has been difficult. I didn’t realise how much your hormones are affected in the later stages of pregnancy, and tied with SPD which seemed to have gotten worse since 20 weeks I feel like all I’ve done is cry.
Some days I’ve felt completely incapable of doing simple tasks. Getting the pram out the car has become something I dread, and I’m not afraid to say I look forward to that moment of peace when Cassius goes to bed at 6pm.
Some days I would feel so down I would just sit in and not want to communicate with anyone. I didn’t ask for help from anyone and I guess everyone just assumed I was ‘okay and coping well’ on my own. And I’d convinced myself I was ‘okay’ and didn’t need help, I could do it. When in fact, Cassius was the only reason I was keeping it together. I would force myself out the house, even if it’s just for a catch up and coffee with another mum, or just a walk to the park.
The physical strain has been so difficult, let alone the emotional impact it’s had. But now I’m nearing towards the end and in a lot of discomfort, I know that I can do it and I am so excited to meet our little girl. Although I have nothing prepared with a few weeks to go, I actually don’t mind. Things will be fine, and she will slot into our family perfectly.