Warning, this post contains details of miscarriage that some may find difficult to hear.
My husband and I have suffered 7 miscarriages prior to conceiving naturally, just two weeks after our first but unfortunately failed IVF attempt.
Our 4-year journey to get to where we are now has been truly devastating and left me with mental scars that I don’t think I will ever fully shake off, but I’ve learnt to accept that time does heal!
We had such a turbulent road with some happy highs but some excruciating lows and dark days. Days where we could have quit trying all together, as at the time anymore pain or loss was unbearable. We are strong and have always been great at communication and think that helped us keep going.
In December 2020 when our IVF treatment failed, we decided to focus on moving and buying a house. I believe that helped us conceive as we totally switched off from trying. It was a positive distraction for us, something we both needed to occupy our minds away from the journey we were desperately trying to create.
In the 4 years since starting this journey I had tried various medical paths that sadly failed for me. I tried the Ayervedic alternative medicine route and changed my diet to a low acid one. The Doctor at the clinic told me that having a high acid diet could have been the problem as the NHS diagnosed me with high NK cells (natural killer cells) after having a blood test. According to Ayervedic doctors a low acid diet reduces inflammation in the body and I do believe that this diet helped me to keep this pregnancy. I started running and meditating lots and basically increased my self-care. Lockdown and legally not being able to work for nearly a year was one huge plus for me as I had the time to recover mentally and heal, which is something I look back on and believe is so important when experiencing any kind of loss.
My relationship with my husband has grown stronger and I think it’s when I realised, we were struggling together and our trauma was shared, I wasn’t alone!
I think the partners get forgotten sometimes, no one really asks them how they are doing. The partners suffer too with high anxiety and in my husbands’ case he had some CBT which I know really helped him.
I couldn’t get away from it, as I was very open with telling people from the beginning not realising how hard our journey was going to be. At times that felt detrimental to my mental health. I would advise anyone going through baby loss to be selective who you tell unless you can be more prepared for unhelpful comments and constant questioning.
Things I did to help aid my grief:
- I bought personalised Christmas tree decorations with the dates our babies were due on, to remember our lost souls.
- I had some CBT counselling which helped hugely with my heavy beaten heart.
- I planted a rose in our garden for remembrance. All these things helped me to have time to grieve and mend.
- I also wrote a blog, where I could write down everything, I found release writing a great way to heal.
- I wrote the below poem to express how I felt...
They say time heals
I kind of agree
Time to ponder
Time to reflect
Time to be kind to myself
Time to recover
Time to care
Time to think
Time to cry
Time to scream
Time to blow anger
Time to wobble
Time to hope
Time to cope
Time to learn to love myself again
Time to trust my body again
Time to get back on track
Time even feels like it has care
Time fills a void
Time lightens the trauma
Time relaxes the soul
Time just keeps on moving
Time is one only constant
To anyone out there that is experiencing baby loss please be kind to yourselves.
Try and stay positive, although impossible at times.
Accept that its ok to not be ok, and situations can and do change.
Do something for you/as a couple that brings joy.
Seek medical help early if you have any worries.
Only surround yourself with positive people.
I have learnt to accept uncertainty is everywhere and I have always tried to remain hopeful.
If you are reading this and are experiencing something similar, then I am truly sorry for your loss and I wish you all the love and luck in the world.
Keep chasing your rainbow.